letter to a friend

this time last year was the hardest time of my life

and this time two years ago none of my problems existed. 

this time last year was blue, 

last november had blonde hair 

and a really wide smile 

last december still had blonde hair 

but a faltering smile that cracked 

he cracked under it all 

he felt so lonely 

he felt so lonely even though i loved him with all i had 

and maybe that says more about me than it says about him. 

he told me he feels guilty 

and he told me that it hurts

he told me that he was sorry 

and he said he wasn't who he wanted to be 

october twenty fifteen was a little darker, 

his hair was longer

and his eyes were more sincere 

in april i never saw october coming 

but october was feeling very much like october in april 

i just had no idea 

october has a heavy heart 

that breaks a little with every person who leaves 

he told me he feels guilty

and he told me that it hurts 

he told me that he was sorry 

and he said he wasn't who he wanted to be 

they both want the same things, 

but they are breaking, cracking, faltering 

one of them is just better at running 

better at hiding, 

better at PRETENDING 

he doesn't face the monsters in his closet, 

he just shuts the door 

and moves to a different city.

he told me he feels guilty 

and he told me that it hurts 

he told me that he was sorry 

and he said he wasn't who he wanted to be

there is something about both of these boys that breaks my heart 

and they are more similar than you think.