eat your heart out
im just trying to mend a broken heart.
i've been doing that my whole life but i think that we all have.
heres the deal. its not working, the usual tape and bandaids aren't holding me together anymore. nothing is working and maybe its because this goes deeper than my heart.
you've penetrated the enamel in my teeth and the marrow in my bones.
because i'm trying to shake the dust but i think i am the dust.
so im stuck. and oh baby does it hurt.
but, reader,
i might have lead you astray here because it sounds like i'm in love with him but that's not the case.
its impossible because i don't even know what love smells like.
but if i had to choose, i'd say it smells like the laundry detergent my mom buys at costco. and maybe that's because its the special kind she uses to wash my sheets and nothing feels better than climbing into a nice warm bed. or maybe its because i remember being in your arms while i'm laying in that bed because your shirt smelled the same way.
you told me to be prepared. actually, you told me that you need me to be prepared and i don't really know if that makes a big difference but it feels important. it feels just as important as when you whispered "your mom really loves you" that night outside of my house, leaning on the hood of your dads car.
i don't know, but i do know that the last time someone told me to be prepared it was mr. smith and he was talking about the ap calc test. i thought i was ready, i did. i told him i was ready months ago and i told you on monday that i am prepared, but i only got a 4 on the dumb test. so i don't know what that means about mondays twelve am promise.
and what gives you the right to demand anything from me anyway? you're the one whose leaving and im the one who hasn't cried about it yet because i'm holding it together for you. its always been for you.
i guess im just writing this as a goodbye. because i'm pretty sure this is the end. i don't know whats going to happen. but im pretty sure i need the enamel in my teeth back because im going to the dentist next week and i don't want another cavity.
i've been doing that my whole life but i think that we all have.
heres the deal. its not working, the usual tape and bandaids aren't holding me together anymore. nothing is working and maybe its because this goes deeper than my heart.
you've penetrated the enamel in my teeth and the marrow in my bones.
because i'm trying to shake the dust but i think i am the dust.
so im stuck. and oh baby does it hurt.
but, reader,
i might have lead you astray here because it sounds like i'm in love with him but that's not the case.
its impossible because i don't even know what love smells like.
but if i had to choose, i'd say it smells like the laundry detergent my mom buys at costco. and maybe that's because its the special kind she uses to wash my sheets and nothing feels better than climbing into a nice warm bed. or maybe its because i remember being in your arms while i'm laying in that bed because your shirt smelled the same way.
you told me to be prepared. actually, you told me that you need me to be prepared and i don't really know if that makes a big difference but it feels important. it feels just as important as when you whispered "your mom really loves you" that night outside of my house, leaning on the hood of your dads car.
i don't know, but i do know that the last time someone told me to be prepared it was mr. smith and he was talking about the ap calc test. i thought i was ready, i did. i told him i was ready months ago and i told you on monday that i am prepared, but i only got a 4 on the dumb test. so i don't know what that means about mondays twelve am promise.
and what gives you the right to demand anything from me anyway? you're the one whose leaving and im the one who hasn't cried about it yet because i'm holding it together for you. its always been for you.
i guess im just writing this as a goodbye. because i'm pretty sure this is the end. i don't know whats going to happen. but im pretty sure i need the enamel in my teeth back because im going to the dentist next week and i don't want another cavity.
The shake the dust part got me first.
ReplyDelete"and what gives you the right to demand anything from me anyway? you're the one whose leaving and im the one who hasn't cried about it yet because i'm holding it together for you. its always been for you.
ReplyDeletei guess im just writing this as a goodbye. because i'm pretty sure this is the end. i don't know whats going to happen. but im pretty sure i need the enamel in my teeth back because im going to the dentist next week and i don't want another cavity. "
This whole ending was killer and I am so glad you wrote something because I have been dying to read all break. Thank you.
its impossible because i don't even know what love smells like.
ReplyDeleteThis had me in at the first line, but this line was my favorite. Seriously beautiful.
Because I'm trying to shake the dust but
ReplyDeleteI think I am the dust.