for you

i've been in this body for nineteen years
but i've still never learned how to look at myself and love what i see.
i've still never learned how to carve myself up and fall in love with the pieces
and the blood so bright it rivals the sun.
i never learned how to do that.

i look at the stars and i let myself imagine what it would be like to hold one.
because i know how to love the sky.

i colored my bones to match the enamel in his teeth
because i always knew how to love him.

i cried with her and rubbed my thumb back and forth over her cheeks to catch the tears but i never told her to stop crying
because i know how to love her.

i've been alive for what feels like so many years
but i'm still learning how to use my eyes to do anything other than bleed.

i know how to love them so i never skipped a lesson.

i know how to love so i cut my veins and poured my lifeline out through the ink in my pen and sealed the envelope with my heart stamp.

i have never learned how to love the face i make when i laugh
and i don't understand how to love a heart that beats so out of time,
but only when it is my own.

i don't think i'll ever love myself, but i promise that i love you.