its scary to me what a thursday in december can do

i went to the doctor
i was one and a half years old
he was stitching my head.
one, two, three

i had to have an x ray exam
four, five, six 
i didn't want to sit still

maybe if i had
twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven
maybe if i had they would have seen it

maybe the doctor-
five hours late and five hundred years behind his eyes-
maybe he would have seen the hole

thirty-nine, forty, forty-one
the hole the size of a pin
but the hole that was there
in my little one year old heart

forty-two, forty-three, forty-four 
my little one year old heart with a  tiny pin prick hole
that turned into an 18 year old hole with a  tiny pin prick heart

forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven 
i didn't know then
and i don't blame him
but i wish he had taken one of these
forty-eight, forty-nine
and put it in my heart.

fifty. 
my mom told me they lost count at fifty.