Listen.

Dear   Hey, so     I miss you more than  iv e ever missed anything  before

Listen, there is no good way to start this. And the ending tastes like expired milk but the middle is heroic. The middle might  feel like falling  in  love if I can do this right.  Gosh, please let  me do this right.

I don't want  to ask for a do over. Not because I don't want one but because I believe  in consistency  and people don't change. We would end up  in   this same place. Me and you separated by 277 miles but neither of  us brave enough to bridge  the gap. Well, you're brave enough-you've never been scared of anything. But  I  like to pretend you  aren't brave enough because the other option is that you just don't want to.  And that hurts so much worse than fear.

 I want to  tell you  that my heart is on fire. I  told you  that my heart was in  my lungs.  I checked and its still there,  enveloping my  entire being in these searing flames. And I have no idea how to treat these internal injuries.

(this is where I would say  your name.) I should  have told you on our first date that this would be  dangerous  for you .I didn't but it was because I met your family and your eyes are so blue. It was because I   really liked Captain America and that  is the reason I want to tell  you  about  every movie that I see. 

The problem is  that  I've had a stenographer in my brain  with your name at the top of every page  they write . And we ran out of room in  the filing cabinet  so  we had to throw out the stuff my  mom wanted  me to get at the store, my fourth birthday party, and what it felt like to kiss him. All of those things are important but you were  more important.  I  thought I would die if  I forgot just one thing about you but it turns out that all of the things I  am remembering are actually the things killing me.

You were more than  the light at the end of a godless tunnel. You were the light and the  hope and the  box of matches I found in my  pocket. But the light has been  snubbed  out and the matches are broken and littered behind me. Hope has always just been Chloe's middle name. 

Do you remember when   we went on that drive-the first one? Some how we ended up in Draper and you  gave me the silent treatment  for 25 minutes until I  told you my pen name. We listened to  the fray and talked about all  the insignificantly  important things.  You drove like nothing in the world mattered and it was dangerous but I laughed anyway.

 That day  I would have given away the stars to spend just one more minute with  you. 

 Do you remember  January Fourth,  when you were on your way out? We had three minutes. That's all. And I stared at the lamp post and rambled about the book I had to read. I  had so many important things to  say and  my eyes needed you  to breathe but I  blew it. I  should have said  I'd miss you.

 I called you at 2 am from the hospital and that's when I  knew I needed  my heart back.  We both  knew it would happen eventually. I just  wish you had put up more of a fight.